This isn't the blog I planned to write and I would rather not be writing it but maybe it just might help any of you who are struggling with stress and emotional eating at the moment.
Last week, our beautiful black cat, Skelli, was killed. He wasn't quite two years old and we adored him. We found him as a starving, emaciated kitten in the lane near our house in September 2018 and we called him Esquelito – 'Little skeleton' but that got shortened to Skelli or sometimes Skeliwag. He quickly became best friends with our black and white cat, Felix and they played, groomed each other and were inseparable. Skelli would follow my husband to his workshop and sit with him while he worked and attack his shoes when he got up.
Then last week Skelli went missing and after two heart-rending days of searching we found him dead, not far from the house. We think he was mauled by one of the many feral dogs that roam around in the Spanish campo.
To say we were heart-broken would be an understatement. It seemed such a cruel and unnecessary ending for such a gentle and loving cat and I couldn't believe that my beautiful boy was gone. Every time I glanced at his photo or looked at the empty places where he used to sleep it was like a knife right through my heart, and when I washed and put his bowl away I thought I couldn't take any more pain.
And of course all this had a huge effect on my eating habits. I am sure every single one of you knows the effect of stress and grief and trauma on your eating. For the first few days, I couldn't eat at all – my stomach felt like a tight fist and even thinking about eating made me feel sick. Then after a few days, suddenly the 'comfort food' cravings kicked in – I craved sweet coffee, even though I stopped taking sugar in coffee a long time ago, buttered toast and mashed potato. I felt like I needed something to fill up the hole that I had inside and I wanted carbs to do that - warm, buttery carbs were the comfort blanket I needed to try to feel better. I didn't care about being Primal or eating healthily – I wanted to be comforted and I wanted our Skelli back.
But you all know this – you have all had your share of loss, of grief, of the feeling that nothing will ever be the same again; of needing to feel comforted and reassured and not caring if what you're doing is 'healthy'. It's part of living and it hits us all at some point, and our response is normal and natural so I thought I'd write a bit about stress, eating and finding your way back when you're ready.
Stress
Stress is a part of life and we actually need a certain amount of stress to function properly. Stress can also be defined as 'stimulation' and we need to feel stimulated to live and learn and grow. Our bodies respond to stress by releasing hormones in order to deal with the 'stressor' – whatever that is. For example, morning light triggers a spike in cortisol, one of the main stress hormones, so that we are stimulated to wake up, get out of bed and start the day. In extreme situations, like being attacked or running for our lives, or positive situations like a wedding or giving a public speech, our sympathetic nervous system prepares us for immediate survival and optimum performance – heart and breathing rates increase, senses often become heightened and unnecessary functions such as digestion are shut down as your body diverts energy into surviving – the 'flight or fight' response. Of course it's actually much more complex than this, but basically, when you're stressed your brain and hormones respond and this response has significant effects on the whole body, including the appetite.
Acute stress, such as a shock, an accident, being attacked (physically or mentally), or any situation which is sudden and short-lived, is what your body is designed to manage – hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline are released to get you out of danger, then when the threat is passed, the parasympathetic nervous system returns your body's functions to normal. The problem with much of modern life is that stress isn't quick, intense and short-lived, it's low-level, persistent and debilitating:
“Chronically elevated cortisol tapping into a fight-or-flight peak performance state too often, for too long, and with insufficient rest and recovery, suppresses immune function, ….... and accelerates the storage of fat, particularly in the abdomen. Chronically high levels of cortisol are believed to increase appetite, particularly for sugar......... [and] can also result in high blood pressure and, due to sugar cravings, …..high blood sugar. ¨
Mark Sisson
Comfort eating
As I experienced last week, my first response to Skelli's death was to not want to eat at all. The shock of what happened to him was an extreme stressor and I literally wanted to 'run away'. Then as the initial shock subsided, the lower level of stress – knowing he wasn't coming back and dealing with the loss – turned into the need to comfort eat ( see above).
What is interesting to note is that the things we describe as comfort food nearly all have one thing in common - a 1/1 – 2/1 ratio of carbs to fat. I'm sure there aren't many of us who would eat dry toast or a pat of butter on its own, but put them together as hot, buttery toast and suddenly we're in heaven. Same goes for cream and sugar - on their own they're not tempting but as ice-cream they become irresistible. And there's a reason for this – apparently, the only food in nature that has this ratio of carbs to fat is breast milk so we're actually hard-wired to like it. Added to that of course, is our learned behaviour of using sweet food as comfort. How many of us I wonder were given sweet things to comfort us when we were small and then did the same with our own children? It seems such a natural thing to do and even as adults, we comfort ourselves with sweet, carby foods to try to feel better but to quote Michael Neill:
There aren't enough cookies in the world to make you feel loved and whole.
Now I am absolutely not saying that at times we shouldn't care for ourselves emotionally and if that means a week or so of eating high-fat-high-carb foods, then you shouldn't feel guilty or think that you have gone wrong. There are times when what we need is comfort and if those foods get you through the day, then that's not the time to be beating yourself up. I do think however, that it's worth looking at patterns of food cravings and recognising when stress is triggering cravings for foods that might not be great long term. There is certainly evidence that high sugar and high-carb diets have a negative effect on mental health so in the long run, far from being comforting, these foods may well be contributing to how bad you're feeling.
If you think that stress is triggering cravings for unhealthy foods, maybe try to look at other ways to reduce the stress, for example
Exercise – there is plenty of research that shows even gentle exercise can improve mood and reduce cravings
Mindfulness – very fashionable at the moment but don't let that put you off. In clinical trials, mindfulness has been shown to reduce stress and actually physically change the brain to be more positive.
Sleep – one of the most restorative and healing things we can do. Good sleep has huge positive effects on stress, emotion and physical health and healing.
Be creative – find something that allows you to relax your mind. Draw, paint, write, knit, play music, garden – the act of creating something is a natural mood-lifter
Get outside – Sunlight, as I have discussed before, has a positive effect on our bodies and our mental state, and green spaces have been shown to improve mental health so get yourself out into a garden or park and let the sunlight, leaves and grass restore your mind.
Find a shoulder to cry on – this more than anything has helped me over the past week. Apart from my husband, I have a good friend who has also recently lost a beloved pet and we have cried together and consoled each other. She has checked in with me daily since Skelli died and she's been there when I needed her. So a huge thank you to her. I think if just one other person understands what you're going through, it can make a huge difference.
Trust me, I know how hard this is. This past week all I have wanted to do is curl up, sleep and eat utter rubbish, but I know that long term I need to look after my physical body if I'm going to look after my mental health.
Finding your way back – the good news
Despite everything; despite the grief and sorrow and stress, things will eventually get better and you can once again focus on living Primally. It's not a straight run and there will still be bad days and carb binges, but they will get fewer and less powerful. You will be able to get back to healthy, nutrition-filled food choices and primally-aligned exercise and the pain will gradually get less. The good news is that once you have adjusted to eating Primally, it's much easier to get back to it. Your body will have become adapted to using fat as fuel so you won't have to start at the beginning. Yes, you might have a few days of carb cravings as your body re-adjusts, but it won't take long and you'll be back up and running. You will know which foods make you feel great and even if you choose to have a piece of cake or a slice (or two) of buttered toast, you can always start again at the next meal.
I know in time I will be able to think of Skelli and remember him with a smile instead of tears; I will remember him begging for prawns or angling for ice-cream (yes, him too), and I will smile at the love he gave us for such a short time. I will never forget him, but eventually the sadness will go.
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