“It's better to regret what you have done than what you haven't.” Paul Arden
Last week I saw a post on The Mighty Girl Facebook page which I found sad but not really surprising:
"Right until age 8, there's really no difference [between girls and boys] in confidence levels," says author Claire Shipman. "We were surprised at how quickly, how deep that drop is." A study by Shipman and Katty Kay, the co-authors of the best-selling book "The Confidence Code," found that girls' confidence drops by 30% between the ages of 8 and 14.
In my blog 'My Journey to Primal' I wrote about how girls as young as 8 are image-conscious and trying to diet, already unhappy with their appearance and I commented on how throw-away comments in our teenage years can actually become embedded in our psyche and add shape to our self-image. So this week's blog is about reclaiming some of that confidence we felt as children and facing our fears so that we don't continue to lose out on life's experiences and adventures.
We're all different and what I find scary might not faze you at all, and I might be happy doing something that you can't imagine even wanting to do but I am sure that just about all of us have turned down opportunities and adventures because of fear or lack of confidence.
And apparently, age doesn't help us here – a study reported in Forbes magazine call The Great Brain Experiment indicated that decreasing levels of dopamine (a feel-good hormone) as we age contribute to us becoming more risk-averse; we're less attracted by reward and more concerned with loss so we are less likely to try something new if we fear negative consequences. But really, I suspect that many women have never felt completely confident. I once worked with a brilliant head teacher – according to Ofsted, she was an outstanding head of an outstanding school - but she talked to me about how she didn't feel quite good enough and envied other female headteachers whom she thought were more competent and confident. I think that really brought home to me that even the highest accolades (and in teaching terms, you don't get any higher than an 'Outstanding' Ofsted judgement), don't make up for an internal lack of confidence. There are many good studies and books out there by people far better qualified than me to discuss all the reasons why women are less confident than men but I think there are things we can all do, regardless of our age that will help us 'Feel the Fear...' and try new challenges.
What do you fear?
Fear comes in many guises – fear of specific things such as spiders, heights, enclosed spaces or public speaking; fear of failure, success, looking foolish, of what other people think; even fear of illness and death. What it usually comes down to is 'What if....?' Many of the things that we don't try come down to that question – What if I fail?, What if I look stupid?, What if people laugh at me? What if I get it wrong? What if I can't cope?
So what is it that you would love to do that you're not doing because of fear? I have written before about how much I wanted to learn to paddle board but put it off for ages because deep down I was scared; not scared of the water, but scared of looking silly, of what other people might think - 'She's a bit old for that isn't she?', of not looking right i.e. not thin/blonde/20-something/perfect bum etc. etc. and of course, fear of failure, of getting it wrong. Interestingly, in 'The Confidence Code', Shipman and Kay discovered that one of the things that contributes enormously to women's lack of confidence is the need to be perfect. Women over-prepare and hold back because they feel they're not good enough, whereas men are far more likely to wing it with a 'so what?' approach and far more easily shrug off failures.
Once I took the plunge (quite literally at times) and took up paddle-boarding, I wondered why I had been so scared – it was just me and my board out on the sea and it really didn't matter what anyone else thought, but the doubt never quite goes away – at the end of my 2nd lesson, Borja, my lovely tutor ( I think he was about 12 years old) suggested that we paddle out round a lighthouse not far from the beach. I looked and thought it looked at least 10 miles away and said 'oooh no, I don't think I can do that because I don't like deep water'. Borja replied, 'Why not? You haven't fallen off so it doesn't matter how deep the water is'. I still refused and then just as we were about to head back to the beach, something inside me said 'Goodness woman, what are you afraid of?' so I said ' Come on, let's do it!' So out round the lighthouse we went. Well, the sense of achievement when we got back was incredible – not just because I had gone round the lighthouse, but because I had managed to face my fear of the deep water and go for it. I know for a fact that I would so have regretted it had we just gone back to the beach and now, going out round the lighthouse is a regular route, is 'So what?'
Confidence and Living Primally
As I wrote last week, often when people embark on living Primally, they find that along with weight-loss and improved body-composition, they also get a boost in confidence; this may be because they feel that they have taken charge of their health so they feel more in control, or because they feel they look better and that gives confidence, or because a Primal diet can improve both energy levels and mental health*, or maybe all of these things. Certainly people I have worked with have said that they feel more confident about trying new things. My friend who lives mostly Primally, was swimming with me in the sea recently. Her husband, who was watching said “I can't believe she's doing that – she never used to go in deeper than her waist, she was too scared of the water”. So you may find that you get a boost of energy and confidence and feel that you're ready for new challenges. So how to make the most of that energy?
Question your fear
Give yourself some time and think about something you have always wanted to do but somehow haven't got round to doing it and think about the following statements:
I would like to do it but:
✗ I'm too old
✗ I'm too fat
✗ My husband/mother/SO/children wouldn't like it
✗ I don't have time
✗ I'll look/feel silly
✗ I'll probably be rubbish at it
✗ I'm not that sort of person
✗ I probably wouldn't like it anyway...
✗ It's a ridiculous idea!
How many of these have you heard yourself saying? I think I've probably used all of them at some point, but as I found out, the best way to deal with fear is just to face it! As Susan Jeffers, author of 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' says:
'The only way past fear is through it'
Breaking out of your comfort zone
Sometimes we need to take very small steps on the way to bigger ones. Taking even the smallest steps out of your comfort zone can give you an added boost of confidence which then encourages you to try something more. It will be uncomfortable – we call it a comfort zone for a reason – but once you do, you may surprise yourself. Challenge yourself to try at least one of these over the next week:
Go into a new cafe or coffee shop by yourself, get a drink and just people-watch
Get up before dawn and go somewhere to watch the sunrise
Choose something you have never tried from a restaurant menu (Primal, of course :) )
Go window-shopping at a different shopping centre by yourself
Buy something to wear that you really like but you haven't dared before – but check that the shape and colours are for you (see last week's blog)
Start a conversation with a stranger
Go for a midnight walk and do some star-gazing
Join a group which shares an interest you'd like to try
Go to the cinema by yourself and really enjoy the film
I realise that I'm emphasising doing these things by yourself but that's how we gain confidence – if we rely on others for confidence, we won't find out what we can do for ourselves.
Then, once you have nudged yourself a little bit, try moving on to something bigger – a sport you'd like to try; a course for a new qualification; a weekend by yourself somewhere completely new; a skydive; even a new job!
A 'So What?' Attitude
As Shipman and Kay discovered, men are much more likely to have a 'So what?' approach to risk and new challenges. They appear generally to be less concerned about getting things wrong and actually more sure that they'll get things right! In fact, women are much more likely to underestimate their abilities while men tend to overestimate theirs. So the answer to the 'What if....?' question is simply 'So what?':
What if I look silly? - So what?
What if people laugh? So what?
What if I get it wrong? - So what?
What if I hate it? - So what?
Most of the time, the consequences are not serious. Even when my husband and I decided to move to Spain, we knew that in the end, if we really didn't like it, we could go back to the UK – it wouldn't be easy and it would probably be expensive, but we could, and even if we couldn't, it would be part of the adventure.
And even if the consequences are potentially more serious there is a further response:
'I can handle it'
In her book, 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway', Susan Jeffers encourages us to trust that we can handle anything that life throws at us, good and bad:
If I fail, I can handle it
If I succeed, I can handle it
If I get rejected, I can handle it
If I look foolish, I can handle it
If I get old, I can handle it
If I lose money, I can handle it
Whatever life throws at me, I can handle it!
It's this inner trust that we can handle stuff that allows us to take up challenges and try new things and throughout the book, Susan Jeffers gives us tools and tips for cultivating this wonderful sense that actually, you know what, I can handle it (because you can).
Next time you find yourself hesitating out of fear or lack of confidence, tell yourself, 'I can handle it' and go for it. And who knows where that might take you – a new job, a new passion, a new country, a new life – there are no limits except for those we place on ourselves, so dream big and go and do it!
What You Can Do, or Dream You Can, Begin It; Boldness Has Genius, Power, and Magic in It
Goethe
References:
*Lassale C, Batty GD et al, Healthy dietary indices and risk of depressive outcomes.
The Confidence Code – Claire Shipman, Katty Kay
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway – Susan Jeffers
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